revisiting the graveyard

I am at the city that we went to for our first out-of-town travel together.

You were amazed at how cold it was, and we bought twinning items, and we felt so happy and free, and I took many photos of you. Do you remember?

Then, after a year, due to my love for this place, we went back. And you were less excited then. We made impractical decisions, saw the worst of the city. But even then, we were happy. We ate good food and enjoyed the city lights and got drunk and fooled around and I took more photos of you. Do you remember?

Then, another year passed, and I wanted to go back to this city alone but you decided to come with me. It was unplanned, and we fought, and we were uncomfortable, but we went together. It was cold and raining and we had nothing but ourselves and phones with empty batteries. We just walked, and talked, and enjoyed the comany of strangers more than each other. Then we ate and we went home, and that’s when you decided that you can no longer tolerate being with me. This was and still is a cold city, but you were colder. I didn’t take any photos of you that day. Do you remember?

I am at the city that we went to for our first out-of-town together and, as it turned out, the last.

And I’m okay.



you were in my dream again last night

You were in my dream again last night.

I pulled you as close as physics would allow, and I touched every part of your face.

You asked, “What are you doing?
I answered, “Memorizing your face in case you leave again, or in case this is just a dream and lose you again once I wake up.

You smiled and kissed me.

And I almost believed that it’s real, like how I believed you loved me during those last few months together. I think I did.

But I’m glad I had the chance.

I am good at fooling myself, I know. But who cares? What’s important is that you were in my dream again last night.

And we were happy.


i’ll stop writing about you one day

I’ll stop writing about you one day.
I will drain all the pain
and longing
and love
from this heart and brain and
I’ll just stop writing about you one day.

I will write the last words
And I won’t even know
That the tear-filled poem I wrote one night
Would be the last that the world will hear
About you from my bloody pen.

I will write about you for the last time,
But you will not read about you for the last time
Because I poured everything into
Those words that I let go.
But you will cling into it
Because you’ll realize that love
Memorialized by words
Is love either living or lost



bedtime puzzle

Here I lay in bed, wearing the night dress you gave me as a gift, thinking about the conversation with my tita..

“So, what happened?”
“Well.. he said he doesn’t love me anymore. That’s fine. Ganon talaga.”
“That’s the most worthless reason I ever heard.”

And I just shrugged.

Now I’m thinking about us, about how happy we were, and how you argued with me about who loves who more. I am thinking about how better could our situation be if you just chose to give it one more shot.

And I just shrugged.



i hope you understand

I don’t know if you’ll read this, but I hope, one day, you understand why you showering me with good things brings more pain than you neglecting me.

I hope you understand that whenever I try to push you away, I pray that you’ll tell me, “No, I changed my mind and I’ll stay and I will love you better starting today until the day I die.” Even up to the last moment, I prayed that you’d choose to swallow your pride than lose me altogether.

(You didn’t.)

I hope you understand that I love you too much to stay friends with you. I cannot bear to keep on resisting the desire to touch you and tell you how much I missed you.

I hope you understand that I have to keep myself from feeling. I have to stop myself from appreciating you too much. I have to stop myself from feeling the love that shouldn’t be there anymore.

I hope you understand that I cannot see you as a friend. Everything you do will make me hope for one more, one last chance to try to make it work. Because I can’t see why not.

I hope you understand that your kind gestures give me too much pain, because I know they’re filled with all of the good intentions — all but love.



why i’ll never not love

And at this moment, I realized that I’ll always love. That it could be painful, too painful perhaps, but I still would love.

Because my heart is too big to not love.

– H


so much for remembering

You keep on reminding me to think of the happy times. So I stopped and sit and tried to remember the happiest we had.

The first that I could picture is you playing with the waves running and laughing and looking back at me as you try to escape the water trying to kiss your feet. Around you was the soft 6am january morning light, and everything’s hazy and dreamy, and behind you were mountains and ocean and trees.

And everything’s just so damn beautiful.

And I was standing there taking photos of you, following you, watching you enjoy everything, and three years later, I can still feel my heart expand with love and joy just by staring at you.

I wanted to freeze that moment — I wish I did — along with the overwhelming happiness we shared and the unfiltered love you felt for me.

I understand that you treasure these moments, and I guess you want me to do the same. And you’re right; we had beautiful moments together worth looking back to. But I hope one day you realize that the sole reason why you can and I cannot is that you’ve accepted with your whole heart that these are simply parts of a collection of photographs, proof of the good things you once had; I have not. You remember the past; I crave for it.

Because what good would beautiful memories bring me if all they do is to remind me of the best things I just lost?