epilogue

I want more than anything else to forgive you,
To forget the pain you inflicted on me
And to not see the cracks on my heart that you caused
And give myself the peace I craved.

But then, I want you to see me bleed
So, when you close your eyes at night,
All you’ll see is the image of me
Drenched in sweat and tears and blood
And you will see the way I clenched my fists
And the horror in my eyes
And the plea in my voice
As I cried for you to stay.

But you will not stay.
You’ll play it over and over in your head,
But you will not stay.

You’ll make yourself believe that you did me a favor by being honest,
But slowly,
Slowly,
You will realize that no, you’ve never been honest.
You lied for months
And months
And months
Over and over and over again,
When you kissed me
And touched me
And told me that you love me
For a hundred times.
You will realize all these lies,
And you will hate yourself
For breaking the heart that, for years, loved you and you alone.

And you’ll feel alone.

And you’ll be alone.

And I will learn to create the peace I need,
The happiness I craved,
The smile that shimmers,
But all you’ll see would be tears and blood
That you caused.

And I’ll be your nightmare,
And you’ll forever hear yourself telling me these words while I begged you to stay:

Hindi lang talaga mababalik na yung sa’tin.

While I sat there, alone at the park, wondering and wondering and wondering why.

But I’ll learn to let go of my questions,
As you try to run after the lies you still whisper to yourself at night.

I will learn to forgive you,
But you will not know that.
You will only know that you broke me,
My father’s precious princess whom he entrusted to you,
And no apologies would be enough
To mend the wound you inflicted
on
us.

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here goes our happy ending

I am sorry, but this is when I stop choosing you above anything else.

This is when I can’t anymore.
This is when I give you the freedom from me that you wanted for a long time.
This is when I choose myself. Because even if I love you, I am starting to love myself, too, and I feel like all the love I’m reserving for you would go to waste if I wouldn’t shower it to myself instead.

I am sorry for taking this long to realize that we really are no more. I should’ve seen how happier you became after you left. I should’ve known that you needed to be free from me for you to grow.

I am sorry, but this is when I stop hurting myself. This is when I set myself truly free. I know that this will make you less guilty for hurting me as much as you did, but I am sorry, I am doing this for myself now, not for you.. FINALLY.

I am sorry, but this is when you start to matter less each day. And even if I cannot unlove you just yet, that day would come, and that would be when you won’t be a part of me any longer.

Thank you for the four amazing years you spent choosing me, but,

I am sorry. This is when I choose to stop choosing you, too.

This ending — our ending — is still a happy one, after all.

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you made me an art

I am not sorry
For the things I did
When you broke me.

Instead, I am thankful
For making me bleed
As much as I did.

All the blood
That came out of my broken heart
Made me an art

Until all that I am
Is something that you
Can never touch again.

Thank you
For making me
Fragile, and therefore,

Priceless.

messages i’ll never send

Someone told me that he was lucky he found someone who didn’t give up on him, and that the reason why I’m alone is because I chose to give up. I don’t know if he’s right, but I’m sorry for giving up on you. I promised before that I won’t give up on you, that I’ll choose you every day no matter what. I promised to be your friend, and to love you, and to always be there for you even if things are too messed up.

I’m sorry for being mad at you. I’m sorry for disrespecting you. I’m sorry for giving up on you. The pain blinded me, because I cannot believe how easy it was for you to let go of me.

Until now, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if there’s something — anything — that I could do to change your mind. Until now, I don’t understand what I did or didn’t do to make your heart forget that we’re each other’s home. I don’t know what or who made you unlove me,

but if you’re not coming back,

I’m hoping that whatever it is, whoever he/she is or they are, you’re happy.

But I’d choose you still. I’d always choose you. No matter what other people say, no matter how painful it gets, no matter how stupid I seem, I’d still choose you.. until I can’t anymore.

I’m not begging for you to come back. I’m not emotionally black mailing you. I’m just reminding you that you’re loved.

It’s okay. I’ll wait for you. Wander if you must, take as much time as you need, I’ll wait for you.

You’ll come home one day, I know. When you get tired of wandering, I’d still be waiting for you, with the cupboard full of chocolate hazelnut spread, and my heart full of love.

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come home

I hope you understand how much I’m trying not to talk to you again,

and how much I’m wishing I didn’t say the words I did,

and how much I’m stopping myself from wounding myself,

and how patiently I’m waiting for you to come back home with me.

I hope you really know me as much as you claim, because if you do, you’ll know that no matter how hard I pushed you away, no matter how meticulously I locked the door, I’d still be waiting for you, leaving all the keys on the plant box.

Come home, love, and let’s start again.

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revisiting the graveyard

I am at the city that we went to for our first out-of-town travel together.

You were amazed at how cold it was, and we bought twinning items, and we felt so happy and free, and I took many photos of you. Do you remember?

Then, after a year, due to my love for this place, we went back. And you were less excited then. We made impractical decisions, saw the worst of the city. But even then, we were happy. We ate good food and enjoyed the city lights and got drunk and fooled around and I took more photos of you. Do you remember?

Then, another year passed, and I wanted to go back to this city alone but you decided to come with me. It was unplanned, and we fought, and we were uncomfortable, but we went together. It was cold and raining and we had nothing but ourselves and phones with empty batteries. We just walked, and talked, and enjoyed the comany of strangers more than each other. Then we ate and we went home, and that’s when you decided that you can no longer tolerate being with me. This was and still is a cold city, but you were colder. I didn’t take any photos of you that day. Do you remember?

I am at the city that we went to for our first out-of-town together and, as it turned out, the last.

And I’m okay.

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you were in my dream again last night

You were in my dream again last night.

I pulled you as close as physics would allow, and I touched every part of your face.

You asked, “What are you doing?
I answered, “Memorizing your face in case you leave again, or in case this is just a dream and lose you again once I wake up.

You smiled and kissed me.

And I almost believed that it’s real, like how I believed you loved me during those last few months together. I think I did.

But I’m glad I had the chance.

I am good at fooling myself, I know. But who cares? What’s important is that you were in my dream again last night.

And we were happy.

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