messages i’ll never send

Someone told me that he was lucky he found someone who didn’t give up on him, and that the reason why I’m alone is because I chose to give up. I don’t know if he’s right, but I’m sorry for giving up on you. I promised before that I won’t give up on you, that I’ll choose you every day no matter what. I promised to be your friend, and to love you, and to always be there for you even if things are too messed up.

I’m sorry for being mad at you. I’m sorry for disrespecting you. I’m sorry for giving up on you. The pain blinded me, because I cannot believe how easy it was for you to let go of me.

Until now, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if there’s something — anything — that I could do to change your mind. Until now, I don’t understand what I did or didn’t do to make your heart forget that we’re each other’s home. I don’t know what or who made you unlove me,

but if you’re not coming back,

I’m hoping that whatever it is, whoever he/she is or they are, you’re happy.

But I’d choose you still. I’d always choose you. No matter what other people say, no matter how painful it gets, no matter how stupid I seem, I’d still choose you.. until I can’t anymore.

I’m not begging for you to come back. I’m not emotionally black mailing you. I’m just reminding you that you’re loved.

It’s okay. I’ll wait for you. Wander if you must, take as much time as you need, I’ll wait for you.

You’ll come home one day, I know. When you get tired of wandering, I’d still be waiting for you, with the cupboard full of chocolate hazelnut spread, and my heart full of love.

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come home

I hope you understand how much I’m trying not to talk to you again,

and how much I’m wishing I didn’t say the words I did,

and how much I’m stopping myself from wounding myself,

and how patiently I’m waiting for you to come back home with me.

I hope you really know me as much as you claim, because if you do, you’ll know that no matter how hard I pushed you away, no matter how meticulously I locked the door, I’d still be waiting for you, leaving all the keys on the plant box.

Come home, love, and let’s start again.

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revisiting the graveyard

I am at the city that we went to for our first out-of-town travel together.

You were amazed at how cold it was, and we bought twinning items, and we felt so happy and free, and I took many photos of you. Do you remember?

Then, after a year, due to my love for this place, we went back. And you were less excited then. We made impractical decisions, saw the worst of the city. But even then, we were happy. We ate good food and enjoyed the city lights and got drunk and fooled around and I took more photos of you. Do you remember?

Then, another year passed, and I wanted to go back to this city alone but you decided to come with me. It was unplanned, and we fought, and we were uncomfortable, but we went together. It was cold and raining and we had nothing but ourselves and phones with empty batteries. We just walked, and talked, and enjoyed the comany of strangers more than each other. Then we ate and we went home, and that’s when you decided that you can no longer tolerate being with me. This was and still is a cold city, but you were colder. I didn’t take any photos of you that day. Do you remember?

I am at the city that we went to for our first out-of-town together and, as it turned out, the last.

And I’m okay.

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you were in my dream again last night

You were in my dream again last night.

I pulled you as close as physics would allow, and I touched every part of your face.

You asked, “What are you doing?
I answered, “Memorizing your face in case you leave again, or in case this is just a dream and lose you again once I wake up.

You smiled and kissed me.

And I almost believed that it’s real, like how I believed you loved me during those last few months together. I think I did.

But I’m glad I had the chance.

I am good at fooling myself, I know. But who cares? What’s important is that you were in my dream again last night.

And we were happy.

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bedtime puzzle

Here I lay in bed, wearing the night dress you gave me as a gift, thinking about the conversation with my tita..

“So, what happened?”
“Well.. he said he doesn’t love me anymore. That’s fine. Ganon talaga.”
“That’s the most worthless reason I ever heard.”

And I just shrugged.

Now I’m thinking about us, about how happy we were, and how you argued with me about who loves who more. I am thinking about how better could our situation be if you just chose to give it one more shot.

And I just shrugged.

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i hope you understand

I don’t know if you’ll read this, but I hope, one day, you understand why you showering me with good things brings more pain than you neglecting me.

I hope you understand that whenever I try to push you away, I pray that you’ll tell me, “No, I changed my mind and I’ll stay and I will love you better starting today until the day I die.” Even up to the last moment, I prayed that you’d choose to swallow your pride than lose me altogether.

(You didn’t.)

I hope you understand that I love you too much to stay friends with you. I cannot bear to keep on resisting the desire to touch you and tell you how much I missed you.

I hope you understand that I have to keep myself from feeling. I have to stop myself from appreciating you too much. I have to stop myself from feeling the love that shouldn’t be there anymore.

I hope you understand that I cannot see you as a friend. Everything you do will make me hope for one more, one last chance to try to make it work. Because I can’t see why not.

I hope you understand that your kind gestures give me too much pain, because I know they’re filled with all of the good intentions — all but love.

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