epilogue

I want more than anything else to forgive you,
To forget the pain you inflicted on me
And to not see the cracks on my heart that you caused
And give myself the peace I craved.

But then, I want you to see me bleed
So, when you close your eyes at night,
All you’ll see is the image of me
Drenched in sweat and tears and blood
And you will see the way I clenched my fists
And the horror in my eyes
And the plea in my voice
As I cried for you to stay.

But you will not stay.
You’ll play it over and over in your head,
But you will not stay.

You’ll make yourself believe that you did me a favor by being honest,
But slowly,
Slowly,
You will realize that no, you’ve never been honest.
You lied for months
And months
And months
Over and over and over again,
When you kissed me
And touched me
And told me that you love me
For a hundred times.
You will realize all these lies,
And you will hate yourself
For breaking the heart that, for years, loved you and you alone.

And you’ll feel alone.

And you’ll be alone.

And I will learn to create the peace I need,
The happiness I craved,
The smile that shimmers,
But all you’ll see would be tears and blood
That you caused.

And I’ll be your nightmare,
And you’ll forever hear yourself telling me these words while I begged you to stay:

Hindi lang talaga mababalik na yung sa’tin.

While I sat there, alone at the park, wondering and wondering and wondering why.

But I’ll learn to let go of my questions,
As you try to run after the lies you still whisper to yourself at night.

I will learn to forgive you,
But you will not know that.
You will only know that you broke me,
My father’s precious princess whom he entrusted to you,
And no apologies would be enough
To mend the wound you inflicted
on
us.

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you made me an art

I am not sorry
For the things I did
When you broke me.

Instead, I am thankful
For making me bleed
As much as I did.

All the blood
That came out of my broken heart
Made me an art

Until all that I am
Is something that you
Can never touch again.

Thank you
For making me
Fragile, and therefore,

Priceless.

i’ll stop writing about you one day

I’ll stop writing about you one day.
I will drain all the pain
and longing
and love
from this heart and brain and
I’ll just stop writing about you one day.

I will write the last words
And I won’t even know
That the tear-filled poem I wrote one night
Would be the last that the world will hear
About you from my bloody pen.

I will write about you for the last time,
But you will not read about you for the last time
Because I poured everything into
Those words that I let go.
But you will cling into it
Because you’ll realize that love
Memorialized by words
Is love either living or lost
forever.

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today was dark and rainy

I woke up drenched in sweat
With the sun glaring at my face
But even before the night came for me,
My day got dark and rainy.

I heard the thunder rolled for me,
It sounds pretty much like your voice.
And even before the first roll ended,
My day was dark and rainy.

I guess you were yelling hard at me
And poured me with blood-stained words
But all I heard was, “YOU PAINED ME!”
My day was dark and rainy.

I started yelling, tried fighting back,
But I was drenched in blood and rain
And all I could mutter was “I’m tired, I’m sorry.”
My day was dark and rainy.

You tried to halt when you saw me shiver,
Covered me with your rain-soaked blanket
But, love, I was ‘lready soaked to my bones,
My day was dark and rainy.

With quivering lips, I told you I’m hurting
And I was too sick, all I heard’s “You caused it!”
I stopped you with icy hands, whispered, “I’m sorry.”
My day was dark and rainy.

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Birthday Wish

I wish you’d wake me up soon
And cradle me on your arms
As I weep and weep
And you’d calm me down
And tell me that the nightmare’s over,
And that you’re here,
And that all’s just a bad dream,
And that you’ll never leave
Again.

021818

today’s dose of truth

I’d like to think that
I know you enough to know
That one day, you’ll realize how,
Deep in your soul, you know
I’m the only one you’ll love and
You’ll choose to choose me everyday
And you’ll come running back
Like a boy desperate to be home.

But that’s the thing:
I know you enough —
Way too well — to know
That each day, you realize how
Deep in your heart, you know
You made the right choice
For each day you spent with me,
You were no longer happy,
And you had to run away
Like a boy desperate to find his home.

– H
021218

in my heart

In my heart,
I miss
the person you used to be
and the way I used to feel

But in my heart,
I know
that all’s at the very bottom
of the vast, vast ocean

And in my heart,
I decided
that there’s no way I’ll drown
to bring any of it back again.