i hope you understand

I don’t know if you’ll read this, but I hope, one day, you understand why you showering me with good things brings more pain than you neglecting me.

I hope you understand that whenever I try to push you away, I pray that you’ll tell me, “No, I changed my mind and I’ll stay and I will love you better starting today until the day I die.” Even up to the last moment, I prayed that you’d choose to swallow your pride than lose me altogether.

(You didn’t.)

I hope you understand that I love you too much to stay friends with you. I cannot bear to keep on resisting the desire to touch you and tell you how much I missed you.

I hope you understand that I have to keep myself from feeling. I have to stop myself from appreciating you too much. I have to stop myself from feeling the love that shouldn’t be there anymore.

I hope you understand that I cannot see you as a friend. Everything you do will make me hope for one more, one last chance to try to make it work. Because I can’t see why not.

I hope you understand that your kind gestures give me too much pain, because I know they’re filled with all of the good intentions — all but love.



here’s how it happened

I was in pain — still am — when you started making me feel that was no longer loved and wanted, that I was less important.

Then, you told me that you don’t love me anymore without saying the words because you hate looking like an asshole — but you still looked like one.

Then, you left me alone but wanted to keep me within your reach because you hate the drama and the mess of having to move on and forget.

Then, you wanted us to be friends.

I agreed.

I wanted you to leave me alone but wanted to keep you within my reach because I hate the drama of avoiding you.

I told you I still love you without saying the words because I hate looking pathetic — but I still looked like one.

You were in pain — still are — when you started realizing that you no longer feel the same way, no matter how hard you try.

– H


unsent farewell letter

You were a part of me.
And suddenly, you were not.

We were a team — two parts of a whole — and now I am left with myself, and it feels so strange having myself as a constant companion.

I see happy couple, and I remember us. I remember being the subject of envy because I was happy, as if I was just all too lucky to be one. For a long time, I believed I was. But I forgot all the pain I went through.. I forgot how much effort we invested on our relationship to keep both of us going. So, no, I was not lucky. I deserved that happiness, and more.

I guess I just missed how happy we were and how comfortable we were with each other. I guess I am just still working on getting used to being alone. I guess I just miss seeing your face in the midst of my family.

It pains me so deeply, but I realized that this our transition — this is when we are walking on our separate paths until we are too far to see each other should we choose to look back. This is the part where we say our farewells.

Then, farewell. Enjoy the journey ahead. Take care of yourself like how I always wanted (but never succeeded) to take care of you. Drink lots of water, do not drink alcohol too much, eat a lot, sleep long, be happy. Thanks for the happiness that you brought me for the past years. I was the happiest when I was with you. Don’t worry, for I’ll try to be happier this time. I got stronger and more confident, so I think I’d do well on this next chapter.

When I look back, I would like to think that I had a choice, and that I chose to let you go.

You were a part of me, but now you are not.
And I guess that’s alright.



Ma, I’m Sorry I Failed You


You asked me to take care of Dady and Kuya, but I didn’t. I pushed them away, let them be swallowed by depression, moved away from them, I decided to be alone. I didn’t take care of them like I promised, because I can’t. I am not strong as you. I am not you.

You asked me to stay strong. I tried, Mom. But you forgot to teach me exactly what it means. Why didn’t you tell me that stubbornness is different from strength? I knew you were strong, but I am not you.

I promised you that I will pursue our dreams, that I’ll attach a title on my name, but I didn’t. I got scared, Mom. I got scared that I wasn’t intelligent enough or talented enough or confident enough. I got scared of rejection, of losing again. I am scared that I can’t survive out there, because I am not you.

I hurt our boys and left them on their own. I have no career to be proud of. My life is a mess. My achievements are superficial. I hurt everybody around me. I am fucked up. I’m sorry, but I failed you.

You told me to take care of them, but I didn’t.

You told me to be strong, but I wasn’t.

I promised you that I’ll be fine, but Mom, I’m not.

I’m sorry I failed you.

If you were here, I know you’ll tell me how everything will be fine.. How everything is just a matter of perspective.. How smart and strong and independent I am, and how these characteristics will bring me to places. I know you’ll hold my hand and assure me that God has a plan for my life and I just have to hold on to His promises.

But I’m lost, Mom. And I’m afraid. And I need your arms to reassure me that I am not alone and we’ll make it through together, just like what we planned.

I’m sorry that I lied when I told you that I’ll be strong for everybody. We need you here. We all do. But I guess they need you more up there.

Can I borrow you for one last time, though? One last reassurance? One last hug? One last squeeze of my hand? One last smile?

 I’m sorry, but your little girl needs you still.


To the Someone of my Someday

You know my story. You met me when I was literally at my worst. You knew how my heart was shattered to thousands of pieces because of thousand reasons, yet you stayed.

You heard me sing my favorite heartache song, and you even sing with me whenever you feel like I had too much dose of self-pity for the day. You knew that I needed someone, and so you stayed.

I sang,

Someday, someone’s gonna love me the way I wanted you to need me..

Someday, someone’s gonna take your place..

..and you were insane enough to listen until the end.

I sang,

One day, I’ll forget about you..

You’ll see, I won’t even miss you…

Someday, I know someone’s gonna be there!

And you only listened to my endless cries and mumbles about the bitter past.

You know how real that song is for me, because the only wrong thing I did was to love too much, and was only hurt too deeply. The song became my mantra, my personal prayer of hope.

I don’t know if, at one point, you ever realized this, but you turned out to be the someone in my someday. You became the love I didn’t know I needed. You became the answer to the prayer that I’ve been singing for a long time.

Now, every time I sing that song, it’s no longer to make myself believe and hope and mourn for what I lost; I sing it now as a proof that some wishes (if you wish hard enough) could be and would be granted.

To my falling star, my wishbone, my 11:11, my birthday candle, my love, thanks for the thousand days of patience. You are my favorite song.


To The Little Bird Who Wishes to Fly,

I know that sometimes, the world scares you.

 Sometimes, you feel like you are way too small for a world too vast. You look down and see the boastful mountains, the tall trees, the serpents and beasts that rule the land. You look up and see an endless blanket of sky with occasional patches of uncaring clouds — and the all scare you. You look around and see a world both full and empty.

Sometimes, you forget that you have wings — that you are meant to fly. I know that you’re overpowered by fear that you forget your wings, no matter how small, can bring you to places that some can only imagine.

You may not be as quick as a hawk, nor as strong as an eagle, nor as graceful as a swan.. But you are, nonetheless, a bird who deserves nothing but freedom.

Do not let your fear overpower you. You wish to fly, so fly as you should. You wish to see the world and enjoy its beauty? You wish to play with the clouds? You wish to try living in every tree there is?you wish to leave your little nest and feel the wind on your face and glide over the mountaintops?

Then fly, little one.

Fly like you have wings, because you do. Fly like you are free, because you are. Fly like you care for nothing else in the world. Fly like flying is your only purpose in life. Fly like the world and you won’t get the chance to fly again.

Just fly, little one.

Just fly.
– H



To the Man I Love Today,

When I first fell in love with you, you were just a boy.

You were immature, impatient, happy-go-lucky, although I must admit, you have always been deeper that what you seem. Sometimes you forget about me, sometimes I felt alone even when I sat beside you. You made me sad, you made me cry, you shuffled my perfectly empty life. But you were so pretty, and you held my hand when I felt like the ugliest girl in the city.  There were lots of tears, but damn, your smiles were worth it all. 

We were two young students walking through the university life hand-in-hand. We laughed and ran and sang and got drunk and stayed up all night at the cold streets. The only time we spent apart were during nighttime, when curfew was the only rule that we were afraid to break. We unearthed the past and touched the scars and helped each other heal. We guided each other through the exams and performances and debates and shortages of allowance and term papers and deadlines. We walked together to the stage and accepted our diploma, knowing that our days of being inseparable were almost coming to a halt.

Then suddenly, we were professionals. Distance and busy schedules never kept us apart for long, though. We found time to be together while working our ways towards our separate dreams. We got lost in  the process, got lost and confused and didn’t know where to go next, but we got lost together. We held hands and talked about our workplaces and payslips and bosses. And every time we talk, we were eighteen again and afraid and unsure but dreaming beautiful dreams. You were the boy with the all-out laughter and pretty eyelashes and silent,beautiful smiles.

And now, we’re here. You at the south, me at the middle of eastern Asia. There’s no way for me to hold your hand anymore, and mine never felt so empty.The spaces between my fingers felt strange, because I’m used to having yours between them.

And now, my words are failing me. There are lots of beautiful things that I want to say but I don’t know how to. This is the cue, I guess, when you should come to me and wrap your arms around me and hear the words I cannot say and understand them perfectly anyway. It’s time for the boy to hold the crumbling girl together before she falls into pieces.

You’re a grown man now. I have been beside you all these years, but only now can I see that you traveled quite farther than where we started. And you made up for all the pain that the boy version of you had brought me. All those nights of frustration and confusion melted as I fell in love with the man that you become. I loved the boy, but God knows how much I love the man you are right now.

One day, we won’t have to be apart anymore. One day, we’ll be back to being with each other every single day, as inseparable as we were in the university. One day, we’ll be a boy and a girl again, hand-in-hand, plotting our ways on how to conquer the world.

I miss you. I love working towards my dreams, but I miss you so much that nothing I do seems to matter.

I hope that this will all be worth it. Let us make this worth it.

Because you are worth it — and more.



Your Long-Time Fangirl


(Dubai, November 2016)