here goes our happy ending

I am sorry, but this is when I stop choosing you above anything else.

This is when I can’t anymore.
This is when I give you the freedom from me that you wanted for a long time.
This is when I choose myself. Because even if I love you, I am starting to love myself, too, and I feel like all the love I’m reserving for you would go to waste if I wouldn’t shower it to myself instead.

I am sorry for taking this long to realize that we really are no more. I should’ve seen how happier you became after you left. I should’ve known that you needed to be free from me for you to grow.

I am sorry, but this is when I stop hurting myself. This is when I set myself truly free. I know that this will make you less guilty for hurting me as much as you did, but I am sorry, I am doing this for myself now, not for you.. FINALLY.

I am sorry, but this is when you start to matter less each day. And even if I cannot unlove you just yet, that day would come, and that would be when you won’t be a part of me any longer.

Thank you for the four amazing years you spent choosing me, but,

I am sorry. This is when I choose to stop choosing you, too.

This ending — our ending — is still a happy one, after all.

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messages i’ll never send

Someone told me that he was lucky he found someone who didn’t give up on him, and that the reason why I’m alone is because I chose to give up. I don’t know if he’s right, but I’m sorry for giving up on you. I promised before that I won’t give up on you, that I’ll choose you every day no matter what. I promised to be your friend, and to love you, and to always be there for you even if things are too messed up.

I’m sorry for being mad at you. I’m sorry for disrespecting you. I’m sorry for giving up on you. The pain blinded me, because I cannot believe how easy it was for you to let go of me.

Until now, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if there’s something — anything — that I could do to change your mind. Until now, I don’t understand what I did or didn’t do to make your heart forget that we’re each other’s home. I don’t know what or who made you unlove me,

but if you’re not coming back,

I’m hoping that whatever it is, whoever he/she is or they are, you’re happy.

But I’d choose you still. I’d always choose you. No matter what other people say, no matter how painful it gets, no matter how stupid I seem, I’d still choose you.. until I can’t anymore.

I’m not begging for you to come back. I’m not emotionally black mailing you. I’m just reminding you that you’re loved.

It’s okay. I’ll wait for you. Wander if you must, take as much time as you need, I’ll wait for you.

You’ll come home one day, I know. When you get tired of wandering, I’d still be waiting for you, with the cupboard full of chocolate hazelnut spread, and my heart full of love.

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revisiting the graveyard

I am at the city that we went to for our first out-of-town travel together.

You were amazed at how cold it was, and we bought twinning items, and we felt so happy and free, and I took many photos of you. Do you remember?

Then, after a year, due to my love for this place, we went back. And you were less excited then. We made impractical decisions, saw the worst of the city. But even then, we were happy. We ate good food and enjoyed the city lights and got drunk and fooled around and I took more photos of you. Do you remember?

Then, another year passed, and I wanted to go back to this city alone but you decided to come with me. It was unplanned, and we fought, and we were uncomfortable, but we went together. It was cold and raining and we had nothing but ourselves and phones with empty batteries. We just walked, and talked, and enjoyed the comany of strangers more than each other. Then we ate and we went home, and that’s when you decided that you can no longer tolerate being with me. This was and still is a cold city, but you were colder. I didn’t take any photos of you that day. Do you remember?

I am at the city that we went to for our first out-of-town together and, as it turned out, the last.

And I’m okay.

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i hope you understand

I don’t know if you’ll read this, but I hope, one day, you understand why you showering me with good things brings more pain than you neglecting me.

I hope you understand that whenever I try to push you away, I pray that you’ll tell me, “No, I changed my mind and I’ll stay and I will love you better starting today until the day I die.” Even up to the last moment, I prayed that you’d choose to swallow your pride than lose me altogether.

(You didn’t.)

I hope you understand that I love you too much to stay friends with you. I cannot bear to keep on resisting the desire to touch you and tell you how much I missed you.

I hope you understand that I have to keep myself from feeling. I have to stop myself from appreciating you too much. I have to stop myself from feeling the love that shouldn’t be there anymore.

I hope you understand that I cannot see you as a friend. Everything you do will make me hope for one more, one last chance to try to make it work. Because I can’t see why not.

I hope you understand that your kind gestures give me too much pain, because I know they’re filled with all of the good intentions — all but love.

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here’s how it happened

I was in pain — still am — when you started making me feel that was no longer loved and wanted, that I was less important.

Then, you told me that you don’t love me anymore without saying the words because you hate looking like an asshole — but you still looked like one.

Then, you left me alone but wanted to keep me within your reach because you hate the drama and the mess of having to move on and forget.

Then, you wanted us to be friends.

I agreed.

I wanted you to leave me alone but wanted to keep you within my reach because I hate the drama of avoiding you.

I told you I still love you without saying the words because I hate looking pathetic — but I still looked like one.

You were in pain — still are — when you started realizing that you no longer feel the same way, no matter how hard you try.

– H

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unsent farewell letter

You were a part of me.
And suddenly, you were not.

We were a team — two parts of a whole — and now I am left with myself, and it feels so strange having myself as a constant companion.

I see happy couple, and I remember us. I remember being the subject of envy because I was happy, as if I was just all too lucky to be one. For a long time, I believed I was. But I forgot all the pain I went through.. I forgot how much effort we invested on our relationship to keep both of us going. So, no, I was not lucky. I deserved that happiness, and more.

I guess I just missed how happy we were and how comfortable we were with each other. I guess I am just still working on getting used to being alone. I guess I just miss seeing your face in the midst of my family.

It pains me so deeply, but I realized that this our transition — this is when we are walking on our separate paths until we are too far to see each other should we choose to look back. This is the part where we say our farewells.

Then, farewell. Enjoy the journey ahead. Take care of yourself like how I always wanted (but never succeeded) to take care of you. Drink lots of water, do not drink alcohol too much, eat a lot, sleep long, be happy. Thanks for the happiness that you brought me for the past years. I was the happiest when I was with you. Don’t worry, for I’ll try to be happier this time. I got stronger and more confident, so I think I’d do well on this next chapter.

When I look back, I would like to think that I had a choice, and that I chose to let you go.

You were a part of me, but now you are not.
And I guess that’s alright.

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H

Ma, I’m Sorry I Failed You

Ma,

You asked me to take care of Dady and Kuya, but I didn’t. I pushed them away, let them be swallowed by depression, moved away from them, I decided to be alone. I didn’t take care of them like I promised, because I can’t. I am not strong as you. I am not you.

You asked me to stay strong. I tried, Mom. But you forgot to teach me exactly what it means. Why didn’t you tell me that stubbornness is different from strength? I knew you were strong, but I am not you.

I promised you that I will pursue our dreams, that I’ll attach a title on my name, but I didn’t. I got scared, Mom. I got scared that I wasn’t intelligent enough or talented enough or confident enough. I got scared of rejection, of losing again. I am scared that I can’t survive out there, because I am not you.

I hurt our boys and left them on their own. I have no career to be proud of. My life is a mess. My achievements are superficial. I hurt everybody around me. I am fucked up. I’m sorry, but I failed you.

You told me to take care of them, but I didn’t.

You told me to be strong, but I wasn’t.

I promised you that I’ll be fine, but Mom, I’m not.

I’m sorry I failed you.

If you were here, I know you’ll tell me how everything will be fine.. How everything is just a matter of perspective.. How smart and strong and independent I am, and how these characteristics will bring me to places. I know you’ll hold my hand and assure me that God has a plan for my life and I just have to hold on to His promises.

But I’m lost, Mom. And I’m afraid. And I need your arms to reassure me that I am not alone and we’ll make it through together, just like what we planned.

I’m sorry that I lied when I told you that I’ll be strong for everybody. We need you here. We all do. But I guess they need you more up there.

Can I borrow you for one last time, though? One last reassurance? One last hug? One last squeeze of my hand? One last smile?

 I’m sorry, but your little girl needs you still.