When I first fell in love with you, you were just a boy.
You were immature, impatient, happy-go-lucky, although I must admit, you have always been deeper that what you seem. Sometimes you forget about me, sometimes I felt alone even when I sat beside you. You made me sad, you made me cry, you shuffled my perfectly empty life. But you were so pretty, and you held my hand when I felt like the ugliest girl in the city. There were lots of tears, but damn, your smiles were worth it all.
We were two young students walking through the university life hand-in-hand. We laughed and ran and sang and got drunk and stayed up all night at the cold streets. The only time we spent apart were during nighttime, when curfew was the only rule that we were afraid to break. We unearthed the past and touched the scars and helped each other heal. We guided each other through the exams and performances and debates and shortages of allowance and term papers and deadlines. We walked together to the stage and accepted our diploma, knowing that our days of being inseparable were almost coming to a halt.
Then suddenly, we were professionals. Distance and busy schedules never kept us apart for long, though. We found time to be together while working our ways towards our separate dreams. We got lost in the process, got lost and confused and didn’t know where to go next, but we got lost together. We held hands and talked about our workplaces and payslips and bosses. And every time we talk, we were eighteen again and afraid and unsure but dreaming beautiful dreams. You were the boy with the all-out laughter and pretty eyelashes and silent,beautiful smiles.
And now, we’re here. You at the south, me at the middle of eastern Asia. There’s no way for me to hold your hand anymore, and mine never felt so empty.The spaces between my fingers felt strange, because I’m used to having yours between them.
And now, my words are failing me. There are lots of beautiful things that I want to say but I don’t know how to. This is the cue, I guess, when you should come to me and wrap your arms around me and hear the words I cannot say and understand them perfectly anyway. It’s time for the boy to hold the crumbling girl together before she falls into pieces.
You’re a grown man now. I have been beside you all these years, but only now can I see that you traveled quite farther than where we started. And you made up for all the pain that the boy version of you had brought me. All those nights of frustration and confusion melted as I fell in love with the man that you become. I loved the boy, but God knows how much I love the man you are right now.
One day, we won’t have to be apart anymore. One day, we’ll be back to being with each other every single day, as inseparable as we were in the university. One day, we’ll be a boy and a girl again, hand-in-hand, plotting our ways on how to conquer the world.
I miss you. I love working towards my dreams, but I miss you so much that nothing I do seems to matter.
I hope that this will all be worth it. Let us make this worth it.
Because you are worth it — and more.
Your Long-Time Fangirl
(Dubai, November 2016)