here’s what my day felt like

Today, I tried to find a job.

This is my second attempt for this week, and I’ll be honest: it’s kind of frustrating. If you’re a person who gives his/her best shot in everything, even during the filling out of forms, then you’ll understand.

I spent time and effort writing my CV. I carefully picked my wardrobe for today. I spent half an hour deciding which shoes to wear. And to tell you the truth, I wasn’t even able to sleep well last night.

WHY? Because I am afraid to fail again. I am afraid of being rejected, because I don’t always get that. Rejection is something that I don’t usually get, but when I do, I punish myself for it. In my previous post, I said that I wanted to feel the pain — to feel it while it’s there. And I did. I felt it. I knew what pain was. All sorts of pain, all depths, all types, from all sources. And rejection should be one of them. I know I should feel it, because that’s one big truth about life that one should learn as early as possible: you either have it, or lose it.

Today, I learned that when you give your biggest effort, you won’t always have the assurance of receiving a sweet, little “yes”. Even though you did something you haven’t before, or you finally gave something you kept for yourself for a very long time, even though you let go of a precious possession, you still don’t know if you’ll be receiving a return with as much worth. But you also have to understand that it will add to your jar of experiences. What can be as worthy as that?

While having my final interview, I shared parts of that I haven’t shown to anybody else before — most especially not to a stranger. But I did. I opened my heart, let him see the way I think, the way I react, the way I handle myself during the worst moment. I opened my heart, but it’s not only him who saw what it is made of. I opened my heart for him to see, but it was me who got lost in the magical palace.

I thanked the company who never called me back. I thank the recruiter who decided that I don’t actually fit in the job position. I thank the company who rejected me. If not for you, I wouldn’t have the chance of pushing myself further, facing my fears, and learning a lot of things — about the world and about myself.

All rights reserved.

All rights reserved.

h.a.m

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